{"id":789,"date":"2008-05-22T14:38:48","date_gmt":"2008-05-22T13:38:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.cestanahoru.org\/?p=789"},"modified":"2012-10-19T11:00:54","modified_gmt":"2012-10-19T09:00:54","slug":"vykrik-zranene-duse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.cestanahoru.org\/?p=789","title":{"rendered":"&#8222;V\u00fdk\u0159ik zran\u011bn\u00e9 du\u0161e&#8220;"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>Varov\u00e1n\u00ed:<\/strong> <em>N\u00e1sleduj\u00edc\u00ed text jsem napsala jedno odpoledne p\u0159ed osmi m\u011bs\u00edci ve stavu t\u011b\u017ek\u00e9 deprese. Te\u010f se mi mnoh\u00e9 z toho zd\u00e1 p\u0159inejmen\u0161\u00edm p\u0159ehnan\u00e9, ale tehdy jsem ka\u017edi\u010dk\u00e9 slovo myslela zcela up\u0159\u00edmn\u011b. Kdo chce povzn\u00e9st sv\u00e9 nitro, pros\u00edm, rad\u011bji ne\u010d\u00edst. P\u0159esto v\u011b\u0159\u00edm, \u017ee n\u011bkomu mohou b\u00fdt n\u00e1sleduj\u00ed \u0159\u00e1dky prosp\u011b\u0161n\u00e9&#8230; Jen v z\u00e1jmu zachov\u00e1n\u00ed du\u0161evn\u00edho zdrav\u00ed nebrat p\u0159esp\u0159\u00edli\u0161 v\u00e1\u017en\u011b.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>(pro v\u011bt\u0161\u00ed autenti\u010dnost neupraven\u00e9)<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Jsme vinni. Bylo by p\u0159\u00edli\u0161 naivn\u00ed domn\u00edvat se, \u017ee ne. Snad se skute\u010dn\u011b u\u017e rod\u00edme s on\u00edm pocitem v prsou. Byli jsme bezohledn\u011b vr\u017eeni do sv\u011bta, p\u0159itakali jsme tomu a mo\u017en\u00e1, \u017ee u\u017e v tom je na\u0161e vina. Ale pokud se vzep\u0159eme a rozhodneme se \u0159\u00edct &#8222;ne&#8220;, &#8222;vr\u00e1tit vstupenku&#8220;, provi\u0148ujeme se znovu. To je realita. Sna\u017e\u00edme se naj\u00edt berli\u010dky, o n\u011b\u017e se d\u00e1 op\u0159\u00edt, abychom zakryli tu hr\u016fzu. Strach z absolutna. Ze sv\u011bta, kter\u00fd nem\u00e1me v rukou. A pokud se uch\u00fdl\u00edme k Bohu, abychom nalezli jistotu a smysl ve sv\u00e9m utrpen\u00ed, provi\u0148ujeme se znovu. P\u0159ij\u00edm\u00e1me pak krev, je\u017e za n\u00e1s byla ob\u011btov\u00e1na a st\u00e1v\u00e1me se spolupachateli. Nietzsche m\u011bl pravdu. Zabili jsme Boha. Neust\u00e1le Ho zab\u00edj\u00edme a je jedno, zda p\u0159ijmeme \u010di zavrhneme Slovo. V obou p\u0159\u00edpadech jsme bohovrahy. Vykoupila by n\u00e1s jen na\u0161e nevina. Ale nevinn\u00ed neexistuj\u00ed a ka\u017ed\u00e9 dal\u0161\u00ed provin\u011bn\u00ed zar\u00e1\u017e\u00ed h\u0159eb\u00edky hloub\u011bji do t\u011bla. Jsme tak v\u011bz\u0148ov\u00e9 vydan\u00ed na milost a doufaj\u00edc\u00ed v milost, j\u00ed\u017e v\u0161ak nejsme hodni. Nebo\u0165 milost ze sv\u00e9 podstaty vylu\u010duje spravedlnost. A spravedlnost je ona ctnost, o ni\u017e bychom m\u011bli usilovat.<br \/>\n<!--more--><br \/>\nA tak nezb\u00fdv\u00e1 ne\u017e trp\u011bt. A doufat, \u017ee se t\u00edm o\u010dist\u00edme a zm\u00edrn\u00edme svou dalekos\u00e1hlou vinu. Zoufale bojujeme o omilostn\u011bn\u00ed a snad se n\u00e1m ho i dostane. Ale i pak z\u016fstaneme vinni. Nezb\u00fdv\u00e1 n\u00e1m tak nic jin\u00e9ho ne\u017e sami p\u0159ed sebou, p\u0159ed sv\u011btem, p\u0159ed Bohem vyznat svou vinu a doufat v odpu\u0161t\u011bn\u00ed. T\u00edm se st\u00e1v\u00e1me kaj\u00edcn\u00fdmi v\u011bzni, kte\u0159\u00ed, pokud v sob\u011b maj\u00ed kousek studu, jsou nuceni prosit, sklonit hlavy, poko\u0159it se, proto\u017ee jinak budou zavr\u017eeni. Ani tak se v\u0161ak nezbav\u00edme sv\u00e9 viny. Neodplav\u00edme ji sv\u00fdmi slzami ani neuhas\u00edme modlitbami. Op\u011bt n\u00e1m tak nezb\u00fdv\u00e1 nic ne\u017e trp\u011bt a vykoupit se vlastn\u00edm utrpen\u00edm, ale museli bychom sv\u00e9 utrpen\u00ed p\u0159ijmout jako cenu za svou nevinnost, za o\u010di\u0161t\u011bn\u00ed, a k tomu n\u00e1m \u010dasto chyb\u011bj\u00ed s\u00edly&#8230; V\u011bt\u0161inou n\u00e1m bolest rozed\u00edr\u00e1 nitro a my nedok\u00e1\u017eeme vn\u00edmat nic krom\u011b t\u00e9 neskute\u010dn\u00e9 bolesti, toho pekeln\u00e9ho \u017e\u00e1ru, v n\u011bm\u017e nejsme schopni nal\u00e9zt pra\u017e\u00e1dn\u00fd smysl. P\u0159esto \u017eijeme, p\u0159esto tou\u017e\u00edme \u017e\u00edt a boj\u00edme se smrti, proto\u017ee z ni\u010deho nem\u00e1me takov\u00fd strach jako ze setk\u00e1n\u00ed se sv\u00fdm sv\u011bdom\u00edm. Dokud \u017eijeme, m\u016f\u017eeme se obelh\u00e1vat a namlouvat si, \u017ee na\u0161e vina nen\u00ed a\u017e tak zna\u010dn\u00e1. Ale ve smrti u\u017e pro le\u017e nen\u00ed m\u00edsto. Ve smrti se n\u00e1m dostane pozn\u00e1n\u00ed, o n\u011bj\u017e jsme sice cel\u00fd \u017eivot usilovali, ale z\u00e1rove\u0148 z n\u011bj m\u011bli panick\u00fd strach. Pln\u011b pak vyjde najevo na\u0161e nedostate\u010dnost, kterou jsme cht\u011bli uschovat i sami p\u0159ed sebou. Pln\u011b pak vyjde najevo i vina, o n\u00ed\u017e jsme dosud nem\u011bli ani pon\u011bt\u00ed.<\/p>\n<p>Prahneme po svobod\u011b, nebo\u0165 nen\u00ed nic cenn\u011bj\u0161\u00edho, ale z\u016fst\u00e1v\u00e1me ve sv\u00fdch sklen\u011bn\u00fdch cel\u00e1ch, kter\u00e9 neum\u00edme rozbo\u0159it. A jako Sisyfov\u00e9 val\u00edme sv\u016fj t\u011b\u017ek\u00fd k\u00e1men, ale Camus se m\u00fdlil, nen\u00ed v tom nic radostn\u00e9ho. S hlubok\u00fdm smutkem postupn\u011b pozn\u00e1v\u00e1me, \u017ee nevlastn\u00edme kl\u00ed\u010de od sv\u00fdch cel a mus\u00edme \u010dekat na pomoc shora. A t\u00edm trp\u00ed na\u0161e hrdost, na\u0161e p\u00fdcha, s n\u00ed\u017e jsme se narodili a marn\u011b se ji sna\u017e\u00edme rozdrtit. Dostalo se n\u00e1m pochopen\u00ed, \u017ee sp\u00e1sa je pouze v nalezen\u00ed pokory. A toho n\u011bkte\u0159\u00ed z n\u00e1s nejsou schopni. Op\u011bt tak tedy jen zv\u011bt\u0161ujeme svoji vinu. Op\u011bt nezb\u00fdv\u00e1 nic jin\u00e9ho ne\u017e trp\u011bt&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><em>(t\u00e9ho\u017e dne, pozd\u011bji)<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Obloha venku pl\u00e1\u010de. Kapky nevesel\u00e9 vody dopadaj\u00ed v pravideln\u00fdch intervalech na zem a p\u0159ipom\u00ednaj\u00ed tak svou bezmocnost. \u0160ediv\u00e1 je barva nehybn\u00e9 apatie. Stromy nachyluj\u00ed hlavy ve v\u011btru. Stoj\u00ed nepohnut\u011b a smutn\u011b \u010del\u00ed mokr\u00fdm dotek\u016fm de\u0161t\u011b.<\/p>\n<p>Smutek. Hlubok\u00fd ponur\u00fd malomysln\u00fd smutek se vloupal do m\u00e9 zran\u011bn\u00e9 du\u0161e a na\u0161el v n\u00ed zal\u00edben\u00ed. Nemluv\u00ed, jen ml\u010dky sed\u00ed na ostr\u00fdch schodech m\u00e9ho nitra. I on pl\u00e1\u010de. Nehlu\u010dn\u011b, ti\u0161e, s bolestn\u00fdm \u00fasm\u011bvem mu po tv\u00e1\u0159\u00edch st\u00e9kaj\u00ed slzav\u00e9 vody, je\u017e se v\u0161ak nikdy neprom\u011bn\u00ed v mo\u0159e. Nikdy se neosvobod\u00ed. Uzamkl na pevn\u00fd z\u00e1mek dve\u0159e vedouc\u00ed ke sv\u011btlu a s \u00fa\u0161klebkem oto\u010dil kl\u00ed\u010dem. Vypudil sm\u00edch, pro k\u0159ehk\u00e9ho sm\u00ed\u0161ka u\u017e nezbylo m\u00edsto. Odt\u00e1hl se sklon\u011bnou hlavou. A smutek po\u0159\u00e1d pl\u00e1\u010de, ale p\u0159es slzy se krut\u011b posm\u00edv\u00e1. Sm\u00edchu, co musel odt\u00e1hnout s pr\u00e1zdnou, nad\u011bji, co v tom neboh\u00e9m nitru cht\u011bla \u017e\u00edt a v\u00ed\u0159e, je\u017e nyn\u00ed nenajde klidu. Nenajde spo\u010dinut\u00ed. Nenajde m\u00edr. Smutek se po\u0159\u00e1d \u010f\u00e1belsky sm\u011bje a roztahuje se ve sv\u00e9m obydl\u00ed. Vy\u0161tval sm\u00edch, nad\u011bji, v\u00edru. Co zb\u00fdv\u00e1? L\u00e1ska, co se kr\u010d\u00ed v t\u011bsn\u00e9m prostoru na dn\u011b du\u0161e, je\u017e j\u00ed byl milostiv\u011b ponech\u00e1n. A tak\u00e9 pl\u00e1\u010de. Nebo\u0165 si uv\u011bdomuje svou bezmocnoct. Nen\u00ed dost odoln\u00e1 v\u016f\u010di smutku a poran\u011bna o trny, trp\u00ed. Z\u00e1m\u011brn\u011b rozbod\u00e1v\u00e1 sv\u00e9 k\u0159ehk\u00e9 prsty a potom z nich vlhk\u00fdmi rty la\u010dn\u011b saje kr\u016fp\u011bje krve, sna\u017e\u00edc se okusit, jak chutn\u00e1 bolest. A nep\u0159est\u00e1v\u00e1 doufat, \u017ee bude vysly\u0161ena. \u017de j\u00ed n\u011bkdo milosrdn\u00fd set\u0159e slan\u00e9 potoky, je\u017e j\u00ed rozpaluj\u00ed tv\u00e1\u0159e a obejme ob\u011bt\u00edm pln\u00fdm n\u011bhy. Uti\u0161\u00ed smutek a odemkne z\u00e1mek, aby se do nitra mohla vr\u00e1tit nad\u011bje a sm\u00edch. Snad tomu po\u0159\u00e1d v\u011b\u0159\u00ed, plakat v\u0161ak nep\u0159est\u00e1v\u00e1. Nebo\u0165 B\u016fh ml\u010d\u00ed. A du\u0161e nedost\u00e1v\u00e1 odpov\u011b\u010f na sv\u00e9 ot\u00e1zky. Pt\u00e1t se v\u0161ak nep\u0159est\u00e1v\u00e1. Mu\u010d\u00edc se pochybnostmi nesly\u0161\u00ed. Vn\u00edm\u00e1 jen \u017eal&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><em>(11. 9. 2007)<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Varov\u00e1n\u00ed: N\u00e1sleduj\u00edc\u00ed text jsem napsala jedno odpoledne p\u0159ed osmi m\u011bs\u00edci ve stavu t\u011b\u017ek\u00e9 deprese. Te\u010f se mi mnoh\u00e9 z toho zd\u00e1 p\u0159inejmen\u0161\u00edm p\u0159ehnan\u00e9, ale tehdy jsem ka\u017edi\u010dk\u00e9 slovo myslela zcela up\u0159\u00edmn\u011b. Kdo chce povzn\u00e9st sv\u00e9 nitro, pros\u00edm, rad\u011bji ne\u010d\u00edst. P\u0159esto v\u011b\u0159\u00edm, \u017ee n\u011bkomu mohou b\u00fdt n\u00e1sleduj\u00ed \u0159\u00e1dky prosp\u011b\u0161n\u00e9&#8230; Jen v z\u00e1jmu zachov\u00e1n\u00ed du\u0161evn\u00edho zdrav\u00ed nebrat [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":26,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.cestanahoru.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/789"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.cestanahoru.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.cestanahoru.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.cestanahoru.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/26"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.cestanahoru.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=789"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.cestanahoru.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/789\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4820,"href":"https:\/\/www.cestanahoru.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/789\/revisions\/4820"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.cestanahoru.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=789"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.cestanahoru.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=789"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.cestanahoru.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=789"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}